


I Hear Your Whispers at Night

by kstarlight



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Seungmin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Lee Felix is an angel, Loneliness, M/M, Pain, Suicide, love and angst, sensitive subjects.. please be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:41:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22079371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kstarlight/pseuds/kstarlight
Summary: Nothing lost is ever really gone.Seungmin needs to believe that.
Relationships: Lee Felix/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	I Hear Your Whispers at Night

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: nothing major and no vivid graphic descriptions, but please be careful and don’t push yourself to read anything sensitive. be safe and take care of please. 
> 
> song recommendation, start//end by Eden

Seungmin wakes up to the antagonizing sound of his morning alarm and a room spinning sensation in his mind. A few days of feeling numb usually resulted in feeling sick, he was used to that by now. So what causes him to mumble a curse beneath his breath and lift a hand to his head in agony is simply just an off hand response.

He rises from the bed robotically, staring at the surroundings of his room with fresh eyes. Nothings changed but it all feels foreign, and he wonders if any of this is even real? He can't stop himself from thinking about it, though it seems crazy, which he knows. But when he stares at his own two hands that pull the shade over his window to block out the morning sun, he can't help but feel like he's floating over himself and watching rather than existing within.

He's completely out of control.

He waters down the panicked voice in his head saying that he's completely lost his mind, and heads to the bathroom to get ready for the day. He disregards his speckled vision and the throbbing at the base of his skull.

Seungmin stands in the mirror and his stomach rolls over slowly. He's never gotten in a physical fight before, but if someone who didn't know him were to spare a second glance they might be none the wiser to the dark circles he sports due to a lack of sleep. They could suffice for two nice shiners from a fist fight.

He groans in defeat and prays he has enough concealer to disguise the terribly discolored indication of his misery, and proceeds to wash his face and brush his teeth, two of the few basic things he still manages to get around to these days.

These terribly slow and treacherous _monotonous_ _days._

He heads to the kitchen and makes himself breakfast; a large steaming cup of coffee, one cream, and no sugars. He nurtures it savoringly, the bitter aftertaste on his tongue fuels him like a drug. And with the temporary caffeine pumping in his veins, he heads out for school.

It's a pity, he thinks, as the sun warms his skin, that he feels so awful on such a sunshine filled, semi-warm January day. If it were a year ago, things would feel so different. If it were six months ago, things would be so much better. If it were two months ago, he'd be so incredulously _happy._

If his best friend hadn't left him, it'd be so okay, and everything more.

//

_The freshly cut grass in July smells so clean and comforting. It wouldn't be summer without_ _such a distinct scent to associate with the liberating feeling of no worries, and nothing but what feels like endless time and the ability to do anything at all._

_Seungmin always relied on summer to feel alive. To savor a taste of joy, a hint of freedom. To revel in the feign ignorance of his child self who didn't see the world as a swirling hole of responsibilities closing in on him the way it did now._

_Summer was the light at the end of a long tunnel, where Seungmin could just be. But now he has something better._

_"Which stars do you like the most Seungminnie?" Felix, laying beside Seungmin in the field, points up to the glowing speckled night sky._

_Seungmin stares silently, humming as he spots two stars that stand farther from the others, but closer to each other than the rest._

_"I like those two." Seungmin answers. He lifts his head to catch a glimpse of the blonde boy and smiles. "They have each other just like us, Lix."_

_Felix scrunches his face in embarrassment, and Seungmin is positive he's blushing if only he could see it. Felix's face is half illuminated by moonlight, and it's so breathtakingly beautiful as it brings out the freckles dusting his cheeks like a sprinkle of pixie dust across his golden skin. The brunette realizes this view is even nicer._

_Seungmin comes back from his endeared train of thought to the sound of precious giggles from Felix's lips._

_"That's cute." He holds out for Seungmins hand, waiting to intertwine their fingers._

_Seungmin responds promptly by placing a hard high five to the blondes offered gesture, laughing hard as Felix let's out a whine and closes his eyes with an over dramatic—for effect—wince._

_Felix_ stick _s his tongue out at the younger before his face dissolves into a smile all over again, catching Seungmins eye, and the brunette feels absolutely breathless._

_"Felix." Seungmin licks his lips. Hesitation is rippling over him in full effect, hanging in the humidity of the air like a weight of bricks._

_Felix turns to him attentively, wide eyes reflecting the shape of the moon and sending Seungmin into a momentary daze._

_"I—" Seungmin's throat clenches, and he sighs. "You're the best." He blurts. That should've sounded more like 'I like you'._

_Felix has the audacity to sit up and tackle Seungmin with the tightest, warmest hug the younger swears he's ever received. But he tells himself not to think to much of it. Felix is the personification of everything light below the sun, and his affection, while meaningful, doesn't mean it's the same as how Seungmin would feel if he had the guts to just envelope the barely older boy in his own arms, and look deep into his eyes and just say—_

_"I love you." The words roll off Felix's tongue like running river over stone._

_Seungmin feels like everything in the world has just stopped, except for he and Felix, who he's very aware is an inch closer now, and staring at him with a cloud of emotion swirling in his eyes._

_A tear falls down the blondes cheek, but somehow he'_ s still smiling.

_Seungmin wipes the tear away. His lips are parted, but for some reason he can't speak, he can barely even breathe, he can only act._

_With his hand still on Felix cheek, he cups the boys jaw, finding the courage to meet Felix's deep brown eyes and looking at him as if he holds all the answers. And oh how wrong could the older be if he thought Seungmin was as strikingly beautiful as him, and his sun kissed cheeks with painted flecks of magic uniquely lined across them, like a one of a painting, a whole galaxy of wonder. No, Seungmin thinks, of course that could only be him. Only Felix._

_The space between them closes when Seungmin finds himself starting to move in. Felix eagerly takes the lead by leaning in faster, connecting his lips much to the startled boys surprise and relief._

_They fit so well together, Seungmin thinks. How could he have waited so long?_

_It's not perfect. It's Seungmins first kiss,_ _but certainly not Felix's, his heart held too much love and he was never keen on keeping it to himself. But this kiss, he'd say was the most magical one he'd ever received. And with Seungmin's face held between his hands and the feeling of their lips gliding across one another's so slow and steadily, he wouldn't trade it for anything._

_The sky was full of stars that night, but Felix knew the only star he saw was the soft spoken brunette boy, with a teasing spirit and sparkling eyes, and he was ten times prettier than any constellation up above._

//

Seungmin doesn't know what he wants anymore. Or what he's even trying to accomplish every day by being this way.

Waking up because he must, going to school with a brave face, pretending everything's fine because it's easier, bottling up his emotions because he has to be strong. It's clockwork and it's painful, but what else can he do?

He doesn't like to eat, he's had no appetite for a while. He only sleeps when it's been too long and his body physically can't take any more exertion. He leaves the house not out of leisure but of routine, and it kills him inside because he's so fed up of living like this. This isn't living, and he knows it.

And it's selfish. There's still so much that he chooses to ignore. He would still have Hyunjin and Jisung to talk to had he not pushed them away. He bets if he called they'd answer in a heartbeat but he can't—because it's been months and he should've healed.

He should've moved on. Felix wouldn't want him to be this way.

_Felix._ Seungmin bites his lip as the name dances across his mind, and theirs tears welling in his eyes but he looks up to the ceiling, which seems to spin all over again, and he waits for them to dry up.

Felix should be here.

//

_"Have you ever thought about dying?" Felix asks, in a presumably low tone._

_It's mid September, school started two weeks ago and is already insufferable in Seungmins mind. Thank god they only have to get through this last year—there's so much more awaiting them after this.The thought brings Seungmin full circle._

_Did Felix just ask him about death?_

_"Why?" He wonders, brows furrowed._

_Felix_ _shrugs, looking a little less bright. Seungmin wants to ask him if somethings wrong, but he's never been one to pry._

_"I don't know," the blonde mumbles, kicking at the dirt beneath his shoes, "just thinking."_

_Seungmin hums understandingly._

_"Well, it crosses everyone's mind eventually." Seungmin swallows the dread in his brutal honesty. The air feels like it's prickling at the back of his neck as he and Felix walk side by side, while the sun sets off in the distance._

_"I guess you're right." Felix agrees, tone void of emotion. It's unusually cold._

_Seungmin keeps his eyes trained to his feet as he reaches his hand out, grabbing Felix's small hand in his and slowly swinging their arms back and forth. It's simple, but distracting, and suddenly Felix is more focused on the warmth of Seungmin's palm offering him a sense of comfort after a long day._

_Seungmin glances up and catches the boys eye, unable to keep from smiling faintly. Felix returns it, only bigger, prettier._

_The younger took their silence as the opportunity to bring up the olders birthday._

_"Three days!" He reminds excitedly. Maybe more excited than Felix was about it himself._

_But they both smile, planning the perfect outing to celebrate both of their special days. The light in Felix's eyes was gradually coming back the longer her thought of their plans._

_Seungmin never wanted to let that smile fade._

//

The world works in mysterious ways. That's all Seungmin could say he knows.

He always thought Felix was the brightest boy he'd ever seen, so caring and kind, because he was taught such things from his parents. But he was wrong. Very wrong.

Felix was all he was and more to make up for what nobody could give him. All the things his parents never told him, showed him, or gave him, were all the things he sought to learn about, to experience.

Felix he wanted to feel good enough for one second. He wanted someone to believe in him, and see him, and accept every piece of whoever he was. But it wasn't that simple. Not for a long time.

And like an angel on earth Lee Felix took everything he thought he didn't deserve, all the things he'd never been given, shown, or told, and taught himself how to give, so he could give it all to someone else. What could not be his, must be someone else's. He believed it was the only way to make even a fraction of the people he crossed paths will feel the way every person should. Loved.

Felix left pieces of himself in everyone. His soul was a never ending flower, scattering pretty pastel pink petals through various minds and hearts with all his words and touches, romantic or platonic, just to make sure the other person could feel how much they meant to this life.

Felix was the most selfless person Seungmin ever met. And while he found it so admirable, so wholesome and beautiful, a miracle even, it was in fact a wonder. How could someone hurting so bad, radiate emotions so kind? Smile so wide? Love so endlessly?

Seungmin didn't understand, how could anyone not see what Felix was? How could the boy who placed his heart with such trust in every set of hands he'd ever encountered, not see everything in himself that made him who he was? So undeniably irreplaceable.

So unbelievably unaware.

//

_It was a few days into October._

_Seungmin was excited spend one of his favorite seasons with Felix._

_They'd go on coffee dates, take walks through the park where all the trees turned a deep crimson and burnt orange color, and even the rainiest days felt like a calm breath of ease before falling into a deep sleep._

_The scent of apple and pumpkin mixing together in twirling gusts of wind infiltrated Seungmins nose._

_His hand clutches his warm cup of coffee, with Felix next to him. The blondes hands are wrapped up in the long sleeves of his sweater._

_It was a cool day, with yesterday's rain hinted at in each sway of the trees, sending small_ _droplets down in sprinkling showers._

_Felix was being quiet again. It had been a few days of this same thing._

_Seungmin felt content within comfortable silence, simply being with_ _someone he cared about and loved. But, it was a bit unnerving for Felix to be this closed off._

_"Are you okay?" Seungmin asks._

_Felix continues playing with the hem of his sweater. His eyes stared straight ahead, but his gaze was glossed over and so far away._

_He blinks, coming back to the sound of Seungmins honey filled voice._

_"I'm okay." He turns, catching sight of the boys worried frown. Felix's entire face lit up like the flip of a switch. His bright smile was back, and his arms were outstretched to envelope Seungmin in a tight clingy hug, while he huffed softly._

_"Don't look so worried, Minnie." Felix nudges the youngers shoulder with his head._

_"I'm not—" Seungmin cut off his defense. He shouldn't have to apologize for his concern. He looked at Felix again, something in the back of his mind shouting at him not to be so easily convinced by the curve of the blondes lips._

_"You know you can talk to me, right?"_

_Felix lets out a righteous laugh, that was such an obvious question to answer._

_"Of course I do." Felix squeezes Seungmins hand. "I know I have you, and you have me. And we'll never lose each other. I promise."_

_Seungmin was so hopelessly in love with the look in the olders eyes and the soft spoken reassurance from his plush lips._

_Felix seals his words with a kiss._

_And Seungmin truly believes in his promises._

//

When Seungmin couldn't sleep—most days—he'd lay in bed and think until he was lost agsea in his own min. Longing in his memory until it was hard to differentiate reality and the past, or what was and what could be.

But he needed change.

It was January 18. Two whole months. Perhaps the subconscious thought of it all was the reason his mind refused to do anything but haunt him today.

He got out of bed, threw on a coat and a pair of shoes and left the house in desperation for one place.

//

_"Felix.."_

_Seungmins front door swung open revealing his boyfriend, slumped over, face bruised and bottom lip bloody. Felix's usually gleaming eyes were void, full of unshed tears, and his lower lip wobbled._

_Seungmins heart leapt into his throat. His head shakes as he guides the blonde in without hesitation, hands trembling._

_"What happened?" Seungmin asks, stomach dropping at the sound of a cracking sob in Felix's chest._

_"My- my dad.." Felix cries. He reaches out for Seungmins shirt, lost in the fabric as a dam he can't seem to hold back starts to overflow into the youngers clothes. A stream of hot tears and painful whimpers ebb from Felix, emotions flowing freely for the first time ever._

_All Seungmin can do is rub Felix's back, questions burning in his mind, worry clouding over him like a storm._

_He patches the older up. Gentle hands and soft words comforting the sniffling blonde, who for the first time in all his seventeen years, feels taken care of. Feels loved._

_"I love you," Seungmin whispers._

_It's compulsive, it's quiet but definitely heard judging by the surprised look on Felix's face. And maybe it wasn't the best time to say something so meaningful and special and he wishes he wasn't holding tightly to bandages to patch his wounded lover up, surrounded by bloody tissues and a first aid kit while pouring out the words he's wanted to say to Felix for so long but can't hold back anymore. The best things are never planned._

_Felix closes his eyes, and another tear falls. Seungmin stands in front of where the blonde is seated on the bathroom counter, and he presses a kiss into the soft tufts of his hair atop his head, and slowly trails down until he's kissing his forehead. And then both his cheeks, extra delicate, admiring the boys freckles, then finally meets his lips, not caring that there's a brutal cut to the bottom corner on the left side of his mouth, only concerned with how much love he feels. How much he wants Felix to feel._

_It makes the painful reality of distress and turmoil relaying on Felix's mind so much harder to face._

_He couldn't leave Seungmin._

_But he couldn't live this life anymore._

//

Seungmins desperation turned to action.

He was in the fields at the top of the hill, thinking back to that warm night in July. Just him and Felix, nobody else and not a care in the world. It was so simple then.

Seungmin looked up at the sky.

A crystal clear painting overlooked him, black contrasted by twinkling stars.

They reminded him of Felix. His freckles, prettier, but so close to the constellations laid out over him. And his eyes, sparkling brighter than any of these stars even on the cloudiest of days.

Felix was the sun on the clearest, brightest days, but he was as adaptable to night as anyone else Seungmin had ever met.

Felix held the whole world in his being without even having to try. And Seungmin was never quite prepared to lose that.

Seungmin fell back into the cold hard ground, where the grass crunched beneath him, dead and frozen within the frosted soil. His eyes wandered up to the endless sky, with a voice in the back of his mind, whispering, soothing, reminding painfully.

_And we'll never lose each other. I promise._

He swallows back a sob attempting to rip out from his tightly wound throat.

//

_Felix was lost._

_He was so lost and so tired._

_He walks across the bridge with no idea of what he's doing, only knowing this is the only place he wants to be right now. And maybe he wishes he wasn't alone, but he can't get himself to do the right thing. To pick up the phone and type out the words, or even press call and give himself a second chance in the sound of the line ringing._

_This is all wrong. So wrong._

_Felix feels the guilt inside of him swirling. His hands are in his hair, grabbing tuffs of it in agony, despair._

_He doesn't want to do this. He can't do this._

_But Felix has lived longer than he thought he would. And he's found light in the unlikeliest of places. But unfortunately, he's found darkness will never lose him, and he can't hide behind a facade of positivity forever._

_Felix is shaking when he sits on the rail, cold metal beneath his jeans._

_It's three am and there's not a car in sight._

_The city looks beautiful, he thinks. Admiring it's rippling reflection in the surface of the river below the concrete bridge._

_He lifts his head up and just looks. Thinks._

_There's so much he hasn't done. So much he'd never said. And he knows he'll never be forgiven. But he can't bring himself to care._

_His life has never been his own. It never felt like it was. And he doesn't want to do this anymore._

_Felix gives the world one last, painful, tear filled smile._

_And he lets go._

//

Seungmin was tired of building walls up.

"Why'd you do it?" He let his cries ripple out of his throat, disgruntled and raw. He doesn't care anymore.

"I needed you, Felix. I still need you."

His face is now hidden behind his hands, shielding his tearful, baggy eyes and muffling the sound of his sniffles.

Seungmin can lie to himself all he wants, he's been so good at doing it for two months. But he's so worn out from everything.

And when he pulls his hands back down, tears still streaming down his face and falling off his chin, he stares at the sky, and he tries to find a reason within it that he should keep going.

It's Felix.

How every inch of the stars reminds Seungmin of a part of his lover, each part he loved so much and never wanted to let go of.

And it's hard to accept, but maybe he finally will. Felix has physically left him, but he'll never forget him, he'll never let go.

Seungmin points out to himself a pair of lonely stars up above his head. They're alone, but together, like he and Felix. Seungmin smiles through the tears, his delirium, and his hysteria and just breathes.

He can hear the faint whisper of Felix whistling around him, connecting the space between where he's laying and the stars, and even if it hurts, it's enough.

After all, it's his reason to stay alive.

He'll finish what Felix couldn't, all for him.

And if he feels like giving up, he'll come back here, to find reassurance in the whispers of the stars, and Felix's voice, speaking only for him.

//

_A tear falls down the blondes cheek, but somehow he's still smiling._

_Felix knows it'll all be okay one day._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading. And happy new year!


End file.
